"Hello, sir, my name is Todd, and I'll be your waiter today.
"Before I tell you about our Independence Day luncheon special, let me remind you that in this public establishment federal law prohibits smoking, alcohol, gum chewing, burping, unpleasant body odor, shouting or loud talking, and any sudden move that might unnecessarily startle other diners.
"Jokes are permitted, except those that might be interpreted as deprecating to a member of any specific race, creed, religion, gender, sexual preference, species, height or weight, or to the chef.
"Exits are located in the front, rear and behind the cash register. By sitting near the grill, you certify your willingness to assist with an extinguisher in the event of a grease fire. If you are unwilling or unable to assist, alert the hostess and she will reseat you.
"In case of flash flood, your table can be used as an emergency flotation device - instructions can be found on page 3B of your menu introduction.
"Ketchup is available to our patrons over age 35. Sugar, salt or dijon mustard will be provided upon presentation of a doctor's signed waiver. The surgeon general has determined that if you spill honey on yourself you will become sticky.
"To reduce your chance of choking, all our food has been pre-cut to pass through a hoop with a diameter of no more than 3.325 centimeters. Should you choke, emergency alert cords are located above your head. If you are dining with a child who chokes, first make sure that you are not yourself choking, then give the emergency cord a single sharp pull. The cord is for emergencies only; if you wish to complain about your food, request Form 193-B.
"If you have trouble removing your childproof fork protector, please ask me or another waiter for assistance.
"We certify that none of our food requires a steak knife for proper consumption. If you still desire a steak knife, you will be asked to produce a state identification card and sign a Bureau of Utensils form certifying your intention to cut no more than 8 ounces of red meat.
"Now, sir, if you'll fasten your safety napkin, I'm ready to take your order.
"May I recommend the oatmeal?"
-- July 4, 1994.