NYC Mayor Bloomberg's latest antics have spurred me to post this oldie from 1994:
"Hello, sir, my name is Todd,
and I'll be your waiter today.
"Before I tell you about our
Independence Day luncheon special, let me remind you that in this
public establishment federal law prohibits smoking, alcohol, gum
chewing, burping, unpleasant body odor, shouting or loud talking,
and any sudden move that might unnecessarily startle other diners.
are permitted, except those that might be interpreted as deprecating
to a member of any specific race, creed, religion, gender, sexual
preference, species, height or weight, or to the chef.
are located in the front, rear and behind the cash register. By sitting
near the grill, you certify your willingness to assist with an
extinguisher in the event of a grease fire. If you are unwilling or
unable to assist, alert the hostess and she will reseat you.
case of flash flood, your table can be used as an emergency flotation
device - instructions can be found on page 3B of your menu instructions.
is available to our patrons over age 35. Sugar, salt or dijon mustard
will be provided upon presentation of a doctor's signed waiver. The
surgeon general has determined that if you spill honey on yourself you
will become sticky.
"To reduce your chance of choking, all our
food has been pre-cut to pass through a hoop with a diameter of no more
than 3.325 centimeters. Should you choke, emergency alert cords are
located above your head. If you are dining with a child who chokes,
first make sure that you are not yourself choking, then give the
emergency cord a single sharp pull. The cord is for emergencies only;
if you wish to complain about your food, request Form 193-B.
you have trouble removing your childproof fork protector, please ask
me or another waiter for assistance.
"We certify that none of our
food requires a steak knife for proper consumption. If you still desire
a steak knife, you will be asked to produce a state identification
card and sign a Bureau of Utensils form certifying your intention to cut
no more than 8 ounces of red meat.
"Now, sir, if you'll fasten
your safety napkin, I'm ready to take your order.
recommend the oatmeal?"